101 Things I Can't Do Within The Walls
by CJbean
Summary: "Oh god…" "I know, it's horrible. Humanity really is so weak…" "What? Oh no, I wasn't even talking about that. I just had another flashback of Hanji doing the Macarena." After being inflicted with several humiliating injuries, and performing way too many musical numbers, the members of the Recon Corps came to a final decision: What happens within the walls, stays within the walls.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is inspired/stolen/based off of Do-a-barrel-roll's ****_444 Things I Can't Do in Amestris. _****She is far funnier than I will ever be, so if you're a FMA fan make sure to check it out. In the meantime, enjoy some good old-fashioned crack written by yours truly. ^_^**

**1. I will not use my 3D maneuver gear in any irresponsible fashions, such as...**

It was 3:30 in the morning when every civilian in a 50 mile radius was woken by an unbearably loud noise. It took a minute for everyone to realize that what they were hearing was actually human. Connie zipped full speed from building to building, singing as loud as was physically possible, in the most obnoxious voice he could muster.

"SPIDER-MAN SPIDER-MAN HE DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN OH SPIDER-MAN SPIDER-"

The young cadet unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it), lost control and smashed face first into the side of a building.

**2. Or-**

"C'mon, Jean!"

"Don't be a chicken!"

"Indoor training, what's the worst that could happen?"

Jean nodded and arranged his previously nervous features into a stupidly determined expression.

He braced his feet firmly against the floor, back to the wall, full 3DMG strapped on. Ymir and Sasha pushed the tables to the sides of the dining hall so that he had plenty of room.

"Ready?" Reiner asked eagerly. Jean nodded again.

"Okay...now!" The cadet released half of his gas in a split second, sending him flying across the room, slamming face-first into the opposite wall, and crumpling to the floor.

The other cadets stared in horror at their unconscious friend, except for Annie, who looked uninterested as usual, and Ymir, who had collapsed in an uncontrollable fit of silent laughter.

** Erwin is not Barbie.**

Commander Pixis looked the platinum blond in the eye. "Erwin, I need to ask you something. You must tell me the complete truth. Mankind's fate depends on your answer!"

Erwin nodded gravely. "I assure you that I will not lie," he said, wondering what this serious matter could be. "What is the question?"

Pixis leaned in close and whispered, "Commander, do you live a fantastic life in plastic?"

His body was never found.

**4. Neither is Annie.**

Jean, Connie, and Reiner were all huddled together in one corner of the dining hall. Reiner was holding three straws. Four minutes of scuffling, whispered arguments, and sobbing, "I'm to young to die!" later, Jean emerged from the group and walked slowly toward an unsuspecting Annie, like a tiger stalking his prey. Ever so carefully he tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and eyed him warily.

"What is it, Jean?"

"C'mon Barbie let's go party!"

He had a good life.

**5. I will not try to teach Titans how to dance.**

"Hi Bean! Good morning, Sawney!" Hanji said cheerfully, stepping up to the chained titans. The soldier guarding them began shaking his head frantically. "Please ma'am, don't get so close! It's dangerous!"

The brunette ignored him and continued talking to the titans. "Today I'm going to teach you something new! First watch me," Hanji swung around and pointed to one of her soldiers, who was holding a large boom box. "Hit it!" Then those poor soldiers saw something that would haunt their dreams for the rest of their lives.

"DA LE A TU CUEPRO ALEGRIA MACARENA QUE TU CUERPO ES PA DARLE ALEGRIA Y COSA BUENA DA LE A TU CUEPRO ALEGRIA MACARENA EEEEEH MACARENA-AY" As if Hanji's atrocious singing voice was not horrifying enough, the titans actually started copying her dance movements!

"Yes that's it Bean! Palms up...cross your arms over your chest…yeah you got it, Sawney!...okay now move those hips! EEEEEH MACARENA-AY!"

Meanwhile the soldiers where in disarray, running in circles, and screaming, "MY VIRGIN EYES!"


	2. Chapter 2

** AN: Ahem, *clears throat* I have a few announcements to make. I have decided to give the 10th reviewer (hopefully I'll get at least 10) a one-shot. Future 10th person, leave your idea in a review and I will add it to the list. It will be longer than these little tid-bits of course, and you'll get credit. Also, I'm going skiing next week, so I thought maybe I'd do a special chapter about the 104th cadets staying at a ski resort! Chaos will reign. Dignities will be lost. Snowballs will be thrown. Also, thank you to StarrySky0103, who came up with the prompts for #6 and #7.**

**Anonymous: Thank you, I would be _delighted _to update, however I'm afraid I must turn down your proposal. XD**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyogin(I'm not sure if I can even spell it correctly), Mary Poppins, or Les Miserables. I ****_do_**** own this list, most of the lyrics to "Do you Hear the People Scream?", and a morbidly obese cat.**

**6. I will not tell Mikasa that Eren and Levi are gay together.**

"Eren." Eren turned around to see Mikasa marching towards him, a murderous glint in her eye.

He gulped. What had he done that could possibly make her angry?

"Y-yes?"

"You see this?" She said in that deathly calm voice that meant he wanted to kill someone. His eyes looked where her hands were grabbing-

"Uh...your boob?" Eren felt his face grow red.

"Correct," Mikasa suddenly shoved her chest in his face with such force that he almost fell backward. "This is a boob. Look at it. Do you like it?"

Eren was pretty sure that Sasha could fry potatoes on his face right now. "Um..yeah I-I guess-"

"Not you "guess" Eren! I want a clear answer! DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT LIKE BOOBS!"

"Yes! Yes I like boobs! Calm down woman!"

Mikasa relaxed and began to walk away. "Good."

Eren watched her retreating back, with his mouth hanging open. "What-why...indecent-right in my face-what..."

**7. I will never take away Sasha's potato.**

"CONNNNNIIIIEEEEE!"

"You shouldn't have messed with that girls potato, man..."

**8. I will not attempt to make "Attack on Titan: The Musical"**

Eren sang to himself as he polished his maneuver gear, "A sword in the neck helps the titan go down the Titan go down the Titan go down

Yes a sword in the neck helps the titan go down in the most delightful way..."

**9. …Especially not if it involves imprisoning Sasha for nineteen years for stealing a loaf of bread.**

The metallic scent of blood filled the air as titans trudged through the city. It was a terrible sight; houses and buildings demolished, people running around in a panicked frenzy. But then, over their horrified screams, another sound could be heard…calmer, stronger voices…all singing…and in perfect harmony! Could it be…yes, the Recon Corps had arrived!

_"Do you here the people scream_

_As they're eaten by titans_

_It is the pained cries of a people _

_Who will never feel again_

_When the beating of your heart_

_Suddenly ceases to exist_

_There is a life about to end_

_In a titan's fist!" _

The soldiers zoomed in on their 3D Maneuver Gear, and promptly began to kick some red, naked ass, all while singing in unison beautifully. Then Lance Corporal Levi started his solo.

_"Will you join the Survey Corps_

_Not the military police_

_Somewhere beyond Wall Maria_

_Is there a world you long to see?"_

The Corporal sang in a gorgeous, feminine soprano even as he sank his blade into the necks of several titans. His commander, Erwin Smith, joined him, and belted out in a much manlier voice,_ "Then join in the fight, that will give you the right to be fr- !"_

Suddenly a pitchy, off-key voice cut him off. It was Eren Jaeger, who practically screamed his solo as he sprinted along rooftops, his eyes fixed hungrily on the Colossal Titan.

"Use 3D Maneuver Gear

And awesome swords like a badass

Obliterate the titans

Even the 50 meter class

Kill those ugly monsters

Let's kick some aberrant ass!"

Everyone cheered as the Recon Corps killed the last of the titan's. Who would've guessed that all they needed to win in the end was the power of music?

_"Do you hear the people scream_

_As there eaten by titans_

_It is the pained cries of a people_

_Who will never feel again_

_When the beating of your heart_

_Echoes the beating of the drums suddenly ceases to exist_

_There is a life about end_

_In a titans fist!"_


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Blue Turtle of AWESOMENESS was the 10th reviewer. She requested "I will never do experiments with Eren-titan's emotions." I haven't finished it yet, but that will be the next chapter. Also, I think I'm going to put off the ski resort special since we're heading into summer soon, after all.(That is, if you live in the U.S.) Thanks to the guest reviewers; you guys are great!**

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><p><strong>10. I will not produce commercials within the walls.<strong>

"Ready? Action!" Eren leaned back in his director's chair, as Armin maneuvered the camera, ready to film their new commercial.

"Hi Levi!" Petra exclaimed. Then her facial expression turned from one of joy to one of disgust. "Ew! What happened to your hair? It looks soooo bad!"

Levi recited his lines in a monotone similar to that of someone reading out of a textbook. "Fighting titans is a pretty cool job. But it can lead to really bad hair days. How do I fight titans, while still looking good?"

"I have the answer!" Suddenly a man swooped down on 3DMG. His hair was golden, glossy, and perfectly shaped. Its beauty was enough to bring tears to one's eyes.

"My name is Erwin Smith! Have you ever wondered why I am so much better than you?! It's because I use Erwin's Titan-Slaying Hair Spray! It keeps my hair looking great all day, even when I'm flying around killing titans!"

Hearts gleamed in Petra's eyes. "Wow, Erwin! Your hair is soooo fabulous! You're soooo much hotter than Levi!" She leapt into Erwin's arms and kissed his cheek.

"Aw, darn." said Levi boredly.

"Don't worry, Levi!" Erwin cried. He tossed his comrade a bottle of hair spray. "With this product you can be as cool as me!"

"Wow. Thanks."

"Remember!" Erwin winked at the camera and smiled. "If you're going to be devoured by a bloodthirsty monster, at least do it in style!"

**11. I will not breed wild Levi fangirls.**

"Here it is Eren! My newest experiment!"

"S-Squad Leader Hanji! I think you've gone too far this time! Titans are one thing, but these...these monsters-they will be the true end to humanity!"

"Exactly! They're worse than Titans. So if we handle them properly...we can unleash one beast against another, and bring peace to mankind!"

"I guess you have a point..."

"Besides, they can be kinda cute! Look at this one." Hanji nudged one of her specimens toward Eren. The creature stared up at him with wide, innocent eyes.

"Aw, yeah I guess she is pretty adorable," Eren admitted as he pat the creature on the head. "I bet even that cold-hearted Corporal couldn't resist such a-" Suddenly the formerly docile creature tackled him to the ground and began hitting him ruthlessly, screaming on the top of her lungs.

"Ow! Hanji, get her off!"

"Eren, you can _never _insult Levi in front of them!" Hanji shouted as she wrestled the attacker off. "Say something good about him to calm her down."

"Um…I _really_ like Levi. He's um, a good leader and stuff." The creature stopped growling, but she still eyed Eren warily.

"Say he's sexy," Hanji hissed.

"WHAT?!"

"Just do it!"

"Oh...Levi has, um, nice eyes...and he is...sexually appealing-not to me! I mean, he probably is...to some females." The poor cadet's face was now bright red, but the wild creature had finally settled down. She bobbed her head enthusiastically in agreement, then wandered away to join the rest of her kind.

Eren and Hanji barely had time to sigh in relief, before the door was flung open.

"I heard screaming. What the hell is going on down here?" The afore-mentioned corporal blinked in surprise as he fully took in his surroundings.

"Why is there...? Hanji, did you kidnap all these adolescent girls?"

Hanji's eyes twinkled with excitement. "These aren't any adolescent girls! They're wild Levi fangirls!"

"What?! Why would you-"

"Levi?" The girl from before gaped at Levi, her eyes bulging out of their sockets.

In perfect unison, every fangirl in the room swiveled their heads to look at the man in the doorway. "Levi?!" they all exclaimed at once.

Levi gulped, Adam's Apple bobbing as he did so. Then he ran.

**12. Do not introduce Sasha to fast food.**

Sasha peered suspiciously into her Happy Meal. She glanced up at Connie, who was munching happily on a Big Mac.

"My mom told me not to take food from clowns I don't know," she said pointedly. Her friend rolled his eyes.

"He's just a mascot, Sasha."

"Well, I think he's creepy!" Sasha pulled out her container of fries. "And these look_ nothing_ like potatoes!"

"I told you, they're cut into pieces," Connie took on the patient tone one used when explaining something to a small child. "And then fried."

Sasha still looked uncertain, but she took a careful nibble of a fry. After a moment, she took a slightly larger bite.

"Well?" Connie prompted.

The brunette looked up at him, eyes shining with unshed tears of joy.

"I have seen the face of God..."

**13. The Special Op. Squad did not get a ,"big booboo".**

Eren and Levi lighted down next to one of the many massive trees surrounding them. Levi's expression remained unchanging, but Eren's eyes widened in shock when he saw the body lying at its base. Petra appeared to have been flung against the tree, a bold crimson stain in her wake. Her neck was bent backwards at an unnatural angle, and more blood was smeared across her ironically peaceful expression.

"No..." Eren whispered, horrified. "Why did I choose to sit by and watch my comrades be killed!"

Levi snorted. "Drama Queen, much?" He pulled a SpongeBob Squarepants BandAid out of his pocket and stuck it on Petra's forehead. "There. She'll be fine."

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><p><strong>AN: Anyone else up to date on the manga? The last few chapters were pretty mind-blowing.<strong>


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